Ahh… the double-edged sword of holiday gatherings with the family. You can’t avoid the pleasure and peril of both sides. We all love the refreshing blessing of seeing those loved ones our hearts long to see. But it often comes with a price. You may also get confronted with the challenge that inevitably comes from that “special someone” in your family who always knows how to push your buttons with criticism and control. As you make your holiday plans, I hope you’ll enjoy these powerful tools I found in an unlikely place. The second chapter of the book of Ruth reveals her power tools for long-term success in difficult family relationships!   

And Boaz answered and said to her, “All that you have done for your mother-in-law after the death of your husband has been fully reported to me, and how you left your father and your mother and the land of your birth, and came to a people that you did not previously know. ¹²“May the LORD reward your work, and your wages be full from the LORD, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to seek refuge.” Ruth 2:11-12 (NASB)

POWER TOOL #1. – CONSISTENT BELIEVABLE CHARACTER. 

“All that you have done for your mother-in-law… has been fully reported to me…”  Your real reputation in the family has nothing to do with the opinions of your critical, button-pushing, nemesis. The first thing to know is that your actions will always speak louder than their words. Right now is the time to double and triple your loving actions toward your hard-to-love relatives. Write an expectant email or note of excitement about the impending thankful celebration. Tell them all what you are thankful for about them long before the day arrives. Or, you could spend extra time taking that needy person to the doctor. You could even bring a rake and trash bags to fill with those messy leaves. You could make it a half-time tradition or even forego the ball game on television altogether this one time.

Naomi, Ruth’s mother-in-law, was a hard to love kind of gal to say the least. However, Ruth’s continual sowing of seed in the hard ground of Naomi’s heart; yielded a bountiful harvest of affection from the man of her dreams. The real and permanent way to overcome family criticism is to live a life full of compassion and service for your family. Your criticizer will then look crazy for even thinking such a thing about you. The power tool against criticism is character. 

POWER TOOL #2. – A REFUGE IN GOD’S ABILITY TO REWARD.  

 “May the LORD reward your work, and your wages be full from the LORD, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to seek refuge.”  Controlling patterns in the family can be subtle. They can be based on giving or loaning money, the silent treatment, hyper-emotional manipulation, verbal abuse, lies, or even using children to pull on heart-strings.

The problem in dealing with most family dictators is that their first line of defense is usually to accuse you of their own controlling sins. This kind of person can be an expert in playing the “victim card” when they feel crossed or disobeyed. To make matters worse, everyone else is so used to not rocking the boat that the environment makes their reverse manipulation easy to believe. The best controllers have the ability to paint you as the one who is trying to be controlling when you first attempt to control your own life.

I encourage people who are caught in controlling family patterns on both sides to learn this very helpful sentence: “I’m not telling you what to do, I’m just telling you what I’m going to do.”

In the scripture above, Boaz recognized Ruth’s consistent determination to do her work for the family As Unto The Lord. He wanted to be involved as a witness to her reward from God. Her Godly character in her low position brought her freedom from any and all family fears, curses, or controlling behaviors. Ruth’s dependence and refuge found in the heart of God was overwhelmingly attractive to Boaz. He wanted to be part of her world because he saw a woman who couldn’t be criticized or controlled by anyone. Ruth was free from control, because she simply didn’t believe it necessary to please anyone but God to get her reward. Love is only free to give when it’s free from control. The power tool against family control is A reward and refuge in God alone.  

May You Find Christ Alive With POWER In Every Family Gathering This Holiday Season,

Pastor David Rathel 

P.S. If you find yourself in need of some holiday family cheer, we’d love to see you this Sunday for the second week of my new series MY CRAZY FAMILY based on the book of Ruth. 

In the meantime, you can catch the message from last Sunday on my YouTube Channel or Podcast if you missed it: youtube.com/davidrathelchannel and rivertownchurch.buzzsprout.com.

You can also get a preview of our new “I LOVE MY CRAZY FAMILY”  T-Shirts one our website HERE.